This week's Do Not Disturb episode is with Becky Selbie, a therapist and founder of (M)otherway, where she works with mothers on the emotional reality of motherhood: the shock, the invisible rulebooks, the perfectionism, the guilt, and the pressure to be a “good mother.”
And honestly, this conversation properly cracked something open for me.
We talked about the motherhood we prepare for versus the motherhood we actually meet. Before the baby arrives, so much of the preparation is practical: the nursery, the hospital bag, the freezer meals, the birth plan, the books, the apps. But so many women are not prepared for the psychological shock of motherhood — the loss of control, the invisible labour, the shame of needing help, the sudden feeling that if it feels hard, maybe the problem is us.
Becky said something that stayed with me: many women mistake the gap between expectation and reality for a gap in themselves.
Then she read me instantly.
She named my rulebook: be strong, try hard, be perfect, please others, hurry up. Painfully accurate. Especially “be strong” — the woman who gets things done, does not ask for help, fills every gap before anyone else can step in, and then wonders why she is exhausted.
It made me think about how much of motherhood is not just about looking after a child. It is also about meeting the old version of yourself — the one who was rewarded for being capable, fast, reliable, independent, impressive — and realising that motherhood does not always reward that equation.
You cannot always research your way out of it. You cannot perfect your way through it. You cannot always try harder and get the result you want.
Sometimes the work is asking for help. Sometimes the work is letting something be unfinished. Sometimes the work is noticing the rule before it runs the whole house.
A few things I took from the episode:
Motherhood shock often comes from the gap between what we expected and what actually happens.
Asking for help is not just practical. For some women, it is emotional exposure.
The “good mother” script can quietly become impossible to live inside.
Matrescence gives language to the full identity shift of becoming a mother.
Invisible labour either needs to be recognised or redistributed.
Your inner voice has to become louder than all the outside noise.
Becky also shared her Rulebook Quiz, which helps you see which rules are loudest in your own motherhood: be strong, try hard, be perfect, please others, or hurry up.
Listen or watch the episode here:
Resources Becky mentioned:
Bonus from me: school lunch onigiri
This week's school lunch idea: pretty, stylised teriyaki tuna onigiri.
You’ll need:
Sushi rice or sticky short-grain rice
Jarred tuna, drained
Mayo
Nojo teriyaki sauce
Sesame oil or neutral oil
Nori sheets, optional
Sesame seeds, optional
Triangle onigiri mould, optional but very helpful
Method:
Cook the rice and let it cool slightly so it is warm, not hot.
Mix tuna with mayo until creamy. You can add a tiny splash of teriyaki if you want it sweeter/saltier.
Wet your hands or the mould so the rice doesn’t stick.
Add a layer of rice, a spoon of tuna mayo in the middle, then more rice on top.
Press into a triangle.
Brush both sides with Nojo teriyaki.
Pan-fry in a little oil until golden and crisp on both sides.
Wrap with nori or sprinkle with sesame seeds.
Lunchbox tip: let them cool before packing so they stay firm.
The teriyaki I use is Nojo London's Teriyaki Sauce — Nojo is the company I founded and sold a year ago, and it's still my go-to for a sticky, caramelised finish on rice.
If you want a good basic tuna mayo onigiri method, this one is useful.
Speak soon,
Simona x